yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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