he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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