you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
