9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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