So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
