Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
