He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
