I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
