i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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