worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
