Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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