I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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