Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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