you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
