HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
