I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
