Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
