i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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