Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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