I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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