He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
