happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
