Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
