if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
