she woke up with a sticky ear
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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