At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
