the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
