i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
