Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Your dad touched me again.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
