Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize