he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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