Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I could make wine with my vomit
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
