Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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