bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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