oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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