He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
