Already got asked if we're dating
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
