well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
