I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
