She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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