so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
