It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
