And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
