A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
