Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
