WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i was born a porn star she said
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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