i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
