I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
