I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
