And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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