hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
