Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My breasts were aching with rage.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
