Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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