Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Randomize
