you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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