Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
