She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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