LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
