I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
where are my eyebrows?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
