My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
